It's been a while. Lots has happened, frankly i'm a little worse for wear, but it's good to be back here on my blog.
Let's sum it up,
Vicky strauss and i hate each other
Courtney and I are drifting apart quickly
and I'm wondering how much my family really cares about me.
I'm kinda like, i dunno. I feel so lonely. Oh and we're definitely staying another year in this hell, but i'm going to Marymount, not ISP.
Everyone i thought cared turned against me, and everything i though mattered, doesnt.
I hate this hell.
At our school, the food chain is you bitch about someone, then turn around and pretend to be their best friend ever. That's how it is, and I guess i have to get used to fighting for what i want. I have to get used to that back-stabbing, bitch school. And get over it. I'm drifting further and further from myself. I think that's the worst part. knowing that every step, every event that happens, I drift farther from my old self. I don't wanna lose that naive, confident, big-hearted little girl I used to be.
I just don't wanna lose her.
I miss her. I wanna see her again. I wanna be her again.
but i'll never be.
I guess that's the thing about pain, it takes away your naivity.
because nothing ever is the same.
And I guess it's weird how close and how far i've gotten to real true friendship here.
I've learned here, It doesn't last.
love, pain, friendship, nothing stays the same.
And i have to watch everything i do, everything I say.
The cutting's stopped. Like it ever started.
But i dunno. i'm so... lonely, lost, confused and everyone thinks i've changed so much when i've just grown weary of hiding the pain.
I walk through those halls every fucking day and i hold my head high, and stay together, and try to make it through the day, but its getting progressively harder. And everytime i try to stay strong, I fall right apart, and head for the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and cry against the wall.
Because it's a sanctuary, where I can be alone, be okay. I guess that's one thing that never changes.
I dunno. I just want to be okay again.
People glimpse my pain, and people see a tiny bit, but they think that's it. i don't even truly know where all this pain comes from. I don't.
But it comes from somewhere
And no matter how much i smile and laugh, the pain is still there.
And that's it.