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May. 4th, 2007

Razr=Love

Hey.
It's been awhile and the depression has subsided!
Did I tell you about the fight between Ava and Myles? well there was a big one.
Anyways, that's ancient history.
So, since I last wrote I turned 14 [May 2nd] and got a new phone, a RAZR!!!!, because my old one broke. For my 14th bday my mom and I went to Rome. We got back April 30.
I don't really know what else to write except today me camille and courtney went to trocadero to meet up ava, myles, pieter, harrison, vicky a etc, and we saw them playing in the trocadero fountain. We were like We're NOT going in. But then we did. And then all the girls decided to take off our shirts because they were absorbing water and getting heavy. So then we're in our bras in public splashing around in front of the guys and two french guys [hotties!] stopped to watch us. It was so funny cuz i called them perverts and told them to suck each others balls.
It was so fun
Then tomorrow camille and deeksha [rolls eyes] are having their bday party so we're going to do it again. And CoCo is sleeping over and so we'll have fun.
Well i gotta go,
bye!
Love
Sammy :)

Apr. 21st, 2007

honestly.

honestly i dont even know how i feel anymore. its kinda up down up down. i mean im doubting friendships, and i just dont know anymore. greece was nice i got back yesterday. this is a short post, but i just thought i'd let you know im still here, still alive, and that i dont know how i feel

Apr. 4th, 2007

good to be back home again

It's been a while. Lots has happened, frankly i'm a little worse for wear, but it's good to be back here on my blog.
Let's sum it up,
Vicky strauss and i hate each other
Grandma's dead.
Courtney and I are drifting apart quickly
and I'm wondering how much my family really cares about me.

That's that.
I'm kinda like, i dunno. I feel so lonely. Oh and we're definitely staying another year in this hell, but i'm going to Marymount, not ISP.
Everyone i thought cared turned against me, and everything i though mattered, doesnt.

I hate this hell.
At our school, the food chain is you bitch about someone, then turn around and pretend to be their best friend ever. That's how it is, and I guess i have to get used to fighting for what i want. I have to get used to that back-stabbing, bitch school. And get over it. I'm drifting further and further from myself. I think that's the worst part. knowing that every step, every event that happens, I drift farther from my old self. I don't wanna lose that naive, confident, big-hearted little girl I used to be.

I just don't wanna lose her.

I miss her. I wanna see her again. I wanna be her again.
but i'll never be.

I guess that's the thing about pain, it takes away your naivity.
because nothing ever is the same.

And I guess it's weird how close and how far i've gotten to real true friendship here.
I've learned here, It doesn't last.
Nothing does,
love, pain, friendship, nothing stays the same.

And i have to watch everything i do, everything I say.
The cutting's stopped. Like it ever started.

But i dunno. i'm so... lonely, lost, confused and everyone thinks i've changed so much when i've just grown weary of hiding the pain.
I walk through those halls every fucking day and i hold my head high, and stay together, and try to make it through the day, but its getting progressively harder. And everytime i try to stay strong, I fall right apart, and head for the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and cry against the wall.
Because it's a sanctuary, where I can be alone, be okay. I guess that's one thing that never changes.


I dunno. I just want to be okay again.

People glimpse my pain, and people see a tiny bit, but they think that's it. i don't even truly know where all this pain comes from. I don't.
But it comes from somewhere

And no matter how much i smile and laugh, the pain is still there.

And that's it.

Mar. 5th, 2007

i just know

i have friends on the weekend. but come monday i'm all alone again
i found out supposedly the 6th graders don't like me either
i really honestly am so tired of this back and forth.
because i know when people see that i'm depressed they don't try to help me.
and i made everything worse with vicky, i lied and told her my friend and i played a prank on her.
so then she of course says you just want attention
maybe i do.
maybe i want people to notice that hell no, i'm NOT ok.
i can't trust anyone anymore.
only one person here knows that the cutting is real. that its not a prank
and as much as i wanna tell someone else [courtney] i know i can't.
i just want to trust someone. tell someone.
but i can't.
btw my motivation to stop is that swimsuit season is coming and in april, i'm going to greece so if i don't want my parents finding out i have to stop now. or else they'll see the cuts when we go swimming.
that's why im stopping
so when i want to cut now, i just like do something else, like read my magazine or dance
i haven't cut for the past two nights.
i also need to stop because it's stil early, so i need to stop before i get addicted and can't stop.
that's my motivation
but i was thinking that like if we stay another year,
which we probably will,
we'll most likely end up staying for a fourth year so my brother can finish high school.
which sucks,
because i want so happy because it was almost time to go home.
and now i have a whole other year

Mar. 3rd, 2007

...

everyone's running away when i need them most.
everyone's leaving when i'm having trouble
when i told vicky, the one person i thought would understand she called me a poser
she said 'remember the time you pretended you were anorexic? that didn't work, neither will this'
i'm so fed up with everyone running away when i need a little support.
i asked her to at least not tell and she goes oh snap.
oh big ass snap
i guess i broke my promise

i'm so tired of everyone leaving
i just want to be left alone
joy, now courtney and camille know
and now the whole school will find out,
and then the teachers,
then my parents.
this sucks
and now, my computer just quit msn
so they'll think i blocked them, be dramatic etc
whatever.
i'm so tired of this life
so sick of everything

Feb. 26th, 2007

cuts

Cuts
well i almost did last night. you know, cut myself and i wanna after even just the first lesson. only i wear too many tanktops so i was going to do it on my legs so no one would see. I just can't stand taking this depression without doing anything. i have heard cuttinghelps you release the feeling that's why i thought it would help. yhe thing is that i didn't have scissors and i didn't wanna do it with my shaving razor, and i couldn't get the scissors, my parents would see. but i guess now just can't take it anymore. i'm so tired of all of this. like just exhausted and fed up with it. i've seen a friend struggle with cutting but i still can't help it. i'm just so fed up. and that's why i'm doing it. i made one cut with a sharp cuticle remover by dragging it along my wrist several times and its felt good, when it started bleeding it felt like i was releasing my depression, only i'm still depressed. no one understands what a struggle it's been to be this depressed and all. it's hard for me because no seems to understand/care. that's diffucult, the only person who would understna dis vicky and i can't possibly tell her, not after what she went through last year. she'll sya im being dramatic or whatever. i don't know. i hate doing this to my friends but it feels so good to release my depression. no one gets it. no one understands how much worse they're making it. they know something's wrong but they don't try helping they only make it worse. i hate it, but it feels so good. no one knows bout this new little habit, but i might tell ingrid. i've actually cut very recently, i told everyone it was my cat, but it wasn't. i just got so fed up and i just started cutting. but i have a feeling this will become pretty regular. unfortunately. i can't help it. i just do it. i hate myself for doing, i hate myself, that's it. i cut, i'm ugly, annoying, i just wish i had never been born. this is not to say i'm suicidal, but i sometimes just think everyone's life would have been better without me. i don't know. everyone thinks i'm all innocent and i'm not. no one actually knows me. well, vicky does. i've struggled with anorexia and now with cutting. i just want to go home to colorado. because i know i have friends there. i just don't wanna cut, i just do. everyone just ignores the quiet depressed girl in the corner, and that's what hurts the most. they gossip about me, they are just mean and it only makes everything that much worse

Feb. 19th, 2007

so tired

I'm so sick of everyone knowing something's wrong inside me, but no one trying to help me. People say i'm suicidal, but no one tries to help me. Not one person. No one tries to understand this hell i'm living in. I go to school and I can barely make it through the day. I fall apart too much and those who used to care, don't. I'm so tired of people thinking I've changed so much, when all this time, I've just stopped pretending to be happy. I've given up my smile, i've traded it in. And this time I don't care, because n one wants to help me. No one tries to get through to me. I'm sick and tired of this lie I'm living. This pretending to have friends, when I know I don't not here in paris anyways. i'm just so fucking tired of it all!

Feb. 17th, 2007

Hannibal Rising

I'm scared shitless right now because we saw hannibal rising. it was scary. And we went with Hamad and Gerard but they were being assholes so they sat far away. So then these 2 hot guys sat between them and us and were flirting with me and Courtney. And after Gerard lost his wallet so we were seaching for it and we found it, but the guys didn't say goodbye at all. So now Hamad is saying that we're annoying, he's worse. He's ugly and talks bout sex 24/7. So yeah. Anyways, hannibal rising is sad at first then SOOOOOO scary. Coming home at 10 pm lol i was all nervous, and i kept looking behind me. *shifty eyes* lol. He's going to eat meeeeee. But the actor playing hannibal was hotttttt.

Feb. 16th, 2007

i've seen you cry, way too many times, when you deserve to be alive

haha tonight was fun. Me and vicky went to meet gerard and hamad and gaston [i know huh? lol]. We hung out at starbucks and talked and had fun then we walked to mcdonalds lol and then the guys got meals, but we didn't so I ate all of gerard's fries. haha then we walked back and had an argument on how to say goodbye to girls, so hamad said, "Ok, I'll say goodbye the proper way" so he walked over to give me a hug, but I could tell he was going to like hug ditch lol so i caught him in a headlock and he was like OWWW I CANT BREATHE lol and Gaston and Gerard took pics of it. So then I went home, but on the way to the metro, [gaston was walking with me and vicky] and I slapped him playfully and he was like OWWWWW so then i said, "That's what you get formaking Hamad dump me over the phone." so yeah. Then when we left, i hugged him and all, so i guess we're friends Marko told me he had something to say to me, so I'm curious, he's not online though :[. lol. it was fun overall and tomorrow we're going to go to a movie possibly with them. The whole time though during starbucks he was being polite, he held the door for us and all. So yeah. I don't know. Anyways.

Feb. 15th, 2007

the lights will guide you home, and i will try to fix you

I've been hanging in. Ingrid said yesterday she was proud of me for getting through the day. it was hard though. I don't know anymore, cept it turns out you can win frederic and simon back as friends with candy. lol. well i dunno. It's hard. i just want to go home. Or to marymount lol. Well, i dunno. Anyways I can't stop thinking boout the Hips dont lie thing last night it was typical tease. Bitch tease that is. Me and Ingrid have come to realize we're total bitches but we're ok with that. Me and Kayle spent the majority of the night in the bathroom and we both ended up so depressed. We talked about how we hate change and all. I was thinking bout what Diddy said about how she's such a girly girl now. She used to be such a tomboy and that's what I loved about her. So now, it's kind of weird. And not being there. It's so weird and different. And I realize that my life here is destroying everything that once was beautiful. Like i'm going to grow up and then come back and then come back and i won't find it beautiful anymore. I guess living here is just destroying me and my life. I hate this depression that keeps coming. whatevs. not much i can do now.

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